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Our daughter is graduating from High School on June 10th. One chapter of her life is closing and a new one is about to open. No doubt a major life transition and because of that a bitter sweet pill; sweet because of the excitement of starting something new, bitter because of the uncertainty that lies ahead.
Uncertainty provokes fear and watching my daughter swing back and forth between the sweet and the bitter side of her upcoming transition, I was wondering, what qualities we need to find in ourselves in order to cope with that fear, in order to calmly and sanely passage between life stages and to eventually just see the bright side of the medal.
I found one important quality that helped me survive many dark moments in my life when I was about 4 years old through a lesson I was taught by my father. I don’t think he was aware of the tremendous impact his “swimming lesson” had on me when he decided it was time for me to learn how to swim.
He must have had the German saying “throwing someone into the cold water” in mind when he decided to just lower me into the water from an anchored boat and told me to swim. Before he let go of his grip, he said: “Just try to stay afloat and if you get really tiered I’ll pull you back up!”
And there I was, kicking, paddling and splashing – keeping myself above water until I was exhausted – and there he was, my father, standing next to me in the shallow water, lifting me high up into the air, laughing: “She can swim”, he shouted, and up and down he jumped with me in his arms, and I was the proudest and happiest 4 year old on the planet.
What I learned in this moment was not only how to swim but something way more important. I learned to trust my own abilities, my strength, and my willpower to succeed. I learned to conquer fear and step out of my comfort zone and I learned to see obstacles as challenges instead of threats. But I also learned that those who love me will never let me down, will catch me when I drown, will be “the wind beneath my wings” when I needed them.
This is, I think, something that helps us see the sweet more than the bitter and I hope that I was able to plant that seed in my daughter’s heart: the seed of trust in herself and others; because if I have achieved that, I know that she will be safe, even when I am not around anymore.

I am sure this sounds familiar to you! Jenny had a horrible day at work and couldn’t wait to get home and tell her husband what had happened to her today. But while she was talking, he began to sort out the mail. There was no eye contact, no question, no remark and Jenny felt as if she was talking to the wall. But not only that, Jenny felt ignored, of no importance. She felt rejected and maybe even humiliated. Her frustration level was rising and eventually she said to her husband: “Are you at all paying attention to what I am trying to say here?” Alarmed by her tone of voice, he looked up from the stack of mail, surprised by the outbreak.
Now we can think of two scenarios. He could either start defending himself, saying that he was listening, blaming her for attacking him and just continuing with what he was doing, or he could check in with himself, be aware of what had just happened, put the mail aside and start really listening to what his wife has to say.
But what does it mean to really listen? It means that we are 100 % present in the moment and with our partner. We are not only paying attention to the words but also to nuances in tone and pitch of the voice, we are aware of body language and facial expression, we keep eye contact and we constantly interpret what we are hearing. We are actively engaged in what our partner is telling us by being empathically in tune. We are like the captain on a sailboat, always adjusting the sails to the wind, ready to react to keep the boat in harmony with the elements!
Active listening requires that we are aware of ourselves and our partner. Only then we are engaged in the situation and connected to each other.

“She lived for 20 years and then her soul slowly died…..”

That was my thought this morning when I talked to my husband who is visiting his parents in Switzerland and on this occasion also went to see my mother who is 82 years old. My mother has dementia and her concept of time is more or less gone. She basically forgets everything the moment she hears them. But there is one thing that she has not forgotten: Her life in Indonesia. This is the only thing she talks about, these are the only memories she still holds. She told my husband all her stories as if they had happened yesterday, and she also mentioned that she always wanted to go back – but she never did, not even for a visit!

My mother was born in Sumatra in 1927 and had lived there for 20 years before moving to Switzerland with her mother and two younger brothers.

The circumstances for my mother in Switzerland were less than fortunate. She, as the oldest, had to work to support her mother and two younger brothers. She was catapulted from a life in “paradise” to a country that she perceived as hostile, cold, grey and narrow minded. The decision, my mother must have made back then, was, to become “the victim”, a role she has taken on unconsciously and has reenacted ever since!

The tragedy behind my mother’s life is, that she basically lived to be 20 years old and then her soul slowly died. In stories that she told me when I was a child, I picture my mother as a “butterfly”, a dazzling, joyful free spirit, adventurous and open to everything that life brings along. But that was never the woman I knew. I most of the time saw a mother who was unhappy in her marriage, hated the country she had to live, and regretted not having and education that would have made her equal in the eyes of others.

My mother belongs to a generation of women who were still caught in gender role stereotypes and societal norms that made it impossible or at least very hard to pack up and leave and start all over again. And maybe all the years she had to work in factories to provide for her mother and brothers just simply broke her spirit.

When I think of my mother today, I feel enormous sadness and hopelessness and I wished I could just simply rewind time in order for her to get a second chance. A chance that would enable her to find the strength to develop the aspects of her personality that are so vivid in her stories and that would help her create the life she would have wanted and deserved. The benefits would not only lie on her side, but also on mine. I strongly feel that I have to take on in my life, what my mother never completed. This is her legacy that she has unconsciously passed on to me.

If we face the challenge to grow personally, we are increasing our self awareness. We then know where we are headed and why. We are attuned to what feels right to us and we have a propensity for self reflection and thoughtfulness. We think things over rather than react impulsively. Only if we are aware of who we are and what we want in our life, we can make conscious decisions and choices and take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. We are not, like my mother, just victims of people and circumstances in our life.

…And the benefit for our children is obvious – they don’t have to complete our lives before they can start living their own!

Our personal development is a journey that begins when we are born and ends when we die. Throughout our childhood and adolescence we begin to develop an identity that consists of different components. First of all we come into this world with a set of genetic dispositions. Then we have our own personality,  we are born into a  family with their own values and traditions and, last but not least, we live in a certain  culture. 

Through interaction with our parents and the extended social environment, certain aspects of our personality and our genetic disposition is welcomed, praised and supported, others, though are ignored and even activly suppressed. If your parents, for example, love playing the piano, they will show you how pleased they are, every time you show interest in playing the piano. If, on the other hand, they think that playing the piano is a waste of time, they will actively try to sabotage your desire to play the piano or they will ignore it. Your  ”musical self” will therefore hide in the unconscious and will not develop. However, this does not mean, that it is gone forever. It is just dormant and it will show up in dreams or in projections onto others.

Most often around mid-life these “orphaned” parts of our “self” start to become active. We feel the need to become authentic, to live our life the way we want it to live. Then it is time to integrate all these aspects of our self and give them a voice.

Now what is the role of the horses in all this? Horses are social beings with distinct personalities. Therefore,  when we watch them interacting with each other, we might see our own family dynamic and our own role within this dynamic. We might also detect traits in a certain horse that remind us of ourselves or of one of our family members. Sometimes we bond strongly with one particular horse or even ”fall in love” with him/her at first sight. We then might most likely project an unconscious part of our “self” that needs to be integrated  onto the horse. Therefore horses act as mirrors. Mirrors of our projections, behaviors and social dynamics. They push our buttons and show us what has dwelled in the dark. They help us re-live situations and practice behavior that we never were allowed to show: for example, saying “no” or setting boundaries.

In our workshops or individual sessions you will interact with the horses in specially designed acitivities that will help you

• to grow as a person
• recognize projections and transferrences onto others
• integrate parts of your “self” that have been suppressed
• free yourself from behavioral patterns that are limiting your possibilities in life
• move forward and create the life you want to live!

Contact us for more information or to set an appointment!

Our Programs help individuals, teams, organizations, and families optimize their potential in all aspects of life. We assist in finding answers to personal questions, building trust in your interactions with others, and guiding you onto the path of integrity and authentic leadership.

The individually designed intensive study programs cover areas such as nonverbal intelligence, leadership and teambuilding, managing life transitions, marriage- and family dynamics. We offer Intensives for small groups, individuals, couples and families. The duration is between 2 – 6 hours or two day weekend Intensives.

Our individual sessions are completely geared to the client’s needs. We offer Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy for Eating Disorder, Depression, Grieve Work and Trauma. The duration of one session is 90 Minutes.

Have a look at all our programms